"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Viola Jokes
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?
It's usually still in the case.
A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
The second violinist, because:
1. No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
2. There's no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
3. The bass player hasn't figured out what it's all about.
Cello Jokes
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
Piano Jokes
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
Rowan Atkinson - The Piano Player
Conductor Jokes
What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
Rowan Atkinson - The Conductor
Soprano Jokes
What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
The lipstick.
How many ... does it take to change a light bulb?
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.
How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
3. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her.
How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.
How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
